My heart has been broken so many times, that I wonder if there are any pieces big enough for me to start to put things back together.

#29 - I can't think of a clever title

So I know I've been slacking on posting. I meant to post everyday and it has been several days since my last post. I have no excuse and I'll try to get back on track.

I have been thinking a lot. I've been thinking about the idea of conditional love and who I have chosen to surround myself with, both currently and in the past. I think I have a habitat of surrounding myself with people that want friendship to be a one way street. They want to be my friend, but only when it's convenient for them. Once things get hard or become more two sided than they would like they decide they need to go away for awhile. I think I deserve more than that. I deserve my friendships to be two sided. I want to love my friends unconditionally and I should expect the same in return.

The hard part is that I feel like there are important people in my life that do not love me unconditionally.  I already cut one out when my dad and I stopped talking this summer. That one was easy because of the way he treats other people. The problem is that the more I think about it the more I feel like I need to do the same with some people that I don't want to cut out of my life. I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure how to handle that. It's definitely going to require some more thought.

#28 - Wrong Feelings

Recebtly I've been thinking a lot about my feelings. I'm trying to figure out where some of them are coming from. I just think my feelings are wrong. I feel like I feel certain things that I shouldn't feel. I should be happy about something, but really I'm sad. I should be excited, but I am afraid. I don't know if there really are right and wrong feelings though. I just don't want the way I feel about things to affect the other people around me. I feel like I should bury things deep inside. My feelings can hurt me, but I don't want them to hurt others. I guess I'm just not sure how to make sure that I'm ok.

#27 - Happy New Year

So today is the last day of 2016. This is a year that started with me totaling my car and getting buried under 3 feet of snow. We saw the deaths of many celebrities. I moved half way across the country. I stopped speaking to my father. All in all this year has been a roller coaster ride. I feel like I was on the way down more than on the way up. I want to change that for 2017. I want this year to be a year where I focus on the positives. My theme for the year is going to be "Shake It Off". I'm not going to let the lows bother me. I'm going to focus on the positives and become a better person in the process. At least that's what I'm going to try to do.

#26 - The second question

In my last post I said that there were two questions that my therapist asked me that I was thinking about. I talked about the first, but not the second. That's where this post comes in.

She and I talked a lot about how I treat other people and how it is different than the way I threat myself. So she asked me, "What would it look like if you gave yourself half the love that you give others?" I honestly had no idea how to answer that. 

I love others very deeply. If you've been on the receiving end of either a friendship or relationship from me you know that I don't take either of those things lightly. I love the people in my life pretty much unconditionally. I'm willing to forgive a lot before I consider a friendship/relationship over. However I don't do the same to myself. I focus on all the mistakes. I constantly beat myself up because of them. I don't love myself very much. Sometimes I may, but it is very rarely and it is hardly unconditional.

So what would it look like if I gave myself half the love I give others? I'm not sure. However as a friend of mine said, I'd "be a very different man". I'm not sure why I have trouble doing that. Why can't I give myself that love? I want to try, but sometimes I think I'm scared. I feel like I'm scared to be happy because once I am then I can be hurt. If I'm constantly in pain a little more hurt won't be a big deal. I do need to figure out a way to love myself though; because I'm tired of the constant pain. 

#25 - Therapy part 2.

Today I had my second therapy session. My therapist asked me two questions that I've been thinking about all night. The first question I was able to answer instantly. I'm still not able to answer the second.

The first question was "Do you think you deserve to be loved unconditionally by someone?"  I didn't even have to think about it. My answer was no. I don't think I deserve unconditional love. In my life, love has always been conditional. Love has always been something that was given frequently in the good times and withheld in the the tough times. Love is not something that has ever just been given to me. It's always about what I can do for other people. I don't even know what it feel like to know that no matter what I do, there is someone out there who will love and care about me. I really wish that was something I could do to change that. I wish that I could have that. I just don't think that's in the cards for me. I feel like it's my job to hold pain. To help take away  the pain that other people feel. I'm strong enough to hold that for others. It hurts but I can do it.

I really hope that I can change my mindset. I want to feel worthy of love.

#24 - Looking for Alaska

Tonight I had the opportunity to hang out with one of my favorite people, my friend Shelby (she has a wonderful blog by the way. You should check it out. It's called Collinswoah's Corner). We went to Half Proced Books and then sat at Panera and talked for a few hours. While we were at the book stores I recommended one of my favorite books, and she bought it. The book is Looking for Alaska by John Green. I absolutely love that book and think that everyone should read it at least once. It also includes one of my favorite passages ever written:

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

I really identify with theses words. I think of myself as gawky and boring. I lack courage, especially when it comes to women. I also see myself as drizzle. The truth is though, if I really think about it, I have a lot to offer. Doesn't a hurricane start out as just a bit of drizzle. It takes time for it to build strength and reach its full potential. That's what this whole journey is about for me. I'm trying to build my self confidence. I'm trying to learn new skills that will help me deal with the road blocks and obstacles in my life. I'm trying to relate to the world around me in a new way. I am slowly becoming my own hurricane. Right now, I'm still pretty much a drizzle. I would be lying if I said that the Christmas holiday wasn't a bit of a set back. However even hurricanes can gain and lose strength. I will continue on this journey. I will be my own hurricane. I will become the strongest individual hurricane that I can.  Then, eventually, I will find another hurricane. When that happens, the world better watch out, because nothing is going to stop us. If it doesn't though, I'll still be a hell of a storm on my own.