Today I had my second therapy session. My therapist asked me two questions that I've been thinking about all night. The first question I was able to answer instantly. I'm still not able to answer the second.
The first question was "Do you think you deserve to be loved unconditionally by someone?" I didn't even have to think about it. My answer was no. I don't think I deserve unconditional love. In my life, love has always been conditional. Love has always been something that was given frequently in the good times and withheld in the the tough times. Love is not something that has ever just been given to me. It's always about what I can do for other people. I don't even know what it feel like to know that no matter what I do, there is someone out there who will love and care about me. I really wish that was something I could do to change that. I wish that I could have that. I just don't think that's in the cards for me. I feel like it's my job to hold pain. To help take away the pain that other people feel. I'm strong enough to hold that for others. It hurts but I can do it.
I really hope that I can change my mindset. I want to feel worthy of love.
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