#26 - The second question

In my last post I said that there were two questions that my therapist asked me that I was thinking about. I talked about the first, but not the second. That's where this post comes in.

She and I talked a lot about how I treat other people and how it is different than the way I threat myself. So she asked me, "What would it look like if you gave yourself half the love that you give others?" I honestly had no idea how to answer that. 

I love others very deeply. If you've been on the receiving end of either a friendship or relationship from me you know that I don't take either of those things lightly. I love the people in my life pretty much unconditionally. I'm willing to forgive a lot before I consider a friendship/relationship over. However I don't do the same to myself. I focus on all the mistakes. I constantly beat myself up because of them. I don't love myself very much. Sometimes I may, but it is very rarely and it is hardly unconditional.

So what would it look like if I gave myself half the love I give others? I'm not sure. However as a friend of mine said, I'd "be a very different man". I'm not sure why I have trouble doing that. Why can't I give myself that love? I want to try, but sometimes I think I'm scared. I feel like I'm scared to be happy because once I am then I can be hurt. If I'm constantly in pain a little more hurt won't be a big deal. I do need to figure out a way to love myself though; because I'm tired of the constant pain.