#27 - Happy New Year

So today is the last day of 2016. This is a year that started with me totaling my car and getting buried under 3 feet of snow. We saw the deaths of many celebrities. I moved half way across the country. I stopped speaking to my father. All in all this year has been a roller coaster ride. I feel like I was on the way down more than on the way up. I want to change that for 2017. I want this year to be a year where I focus on the positives. My theme for the year is going to be "Shake It Off". I'm not going to let the lows bother me. I'm going to focus on the positives and become a better person in the process. At least that's what I'm going to try to do.

#26 - The second question

In my last post I said that there were two questions that my therapist asked me that I was thinking about. I talked about the first, but not the second. That's where this post comes in.

She and I talked a lot about how I treat other people and how it is different than the way I threat myself. So she asked me, "What would it look like if you gave yourself half the love that you give others?" I honestly had no idea how to answer that. 

I love others very deeply. If you've been on the receiving end of either a friendship or relationship from me you know that I don't take either of those things lightly. I love the people in my life pretty much unconditionally. I'm willing to forgive a lot before I consider a friendship/relationship over. However I don't do the same to myself. I focus on all the mistakes. I constantly beat myself up because of them. I don't love myself very much. Sometimes I may, but it is very rarely and it is hardly unconditional.

So what would it look like if I gave myself half the love I give others? I'm not sure. However as a friend of mine said, I'd "be a very different man". I'm not sure why I have trouble doing that. Why can't I give myself that love? I want to try, but sometimes I think I'm scared. I feel like I'm scared to be happy because once I am then I can be hurt. If I'm constantly in pain a little more hurt won't be a big deal. I do need to figure out a way to love myself though; because I'm tired of the constant pain. 

#25 - Therapy part 2.

Today I had my second therapy session. My therapist asked me two questions that I've been thinking about all night. The first question I was able to answer instantly. I'm still not able to answer the second.

The first question was "Do you think you deserve to be loved unconditionally by someone?"  I didn't even have to think about it. My answer was no. I don't think I deserve unconditional love. In my life, love has always been conditional. Love has always been something that was given frequently in the good times and withheld in the the tough times. Love is not something that has ever just been given to me. It's always about what I can do for other people. I don't even know what it feel like to know that no matter what I do, there is someone out there who will love and care about me. I really wish that was something I could do to change that. I wish that I could have that. I just don't think that's in the cards for me. I feel like it's my job to hold pain. To help take away  the pain that other people feel. I'm strong enough to hold that for others. It hurts but I can do it.

I really hope that I can change my mindset. I want to feel worthy of love.

#24 - Looking for Alaska

Tonight I had the opportunity to hang out with one of my favorite people, my friend Shelby (she has a wonderful blog by the way. You should check it out. It's called Collinswoah's Corner). We went to Half Proced Books and then sat at Panera and talked for a few hours. While we were at the book stores I recommended one of my favorite books, and she bought it. The book is Looking for Alaska by John Green. I absolutely love that book and think that everyone should read it at least once. It also includes one of my favorite passages ever written:

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was hurricane."

I really identify with theses words. I think of myself as gawky and boring. I lack courage, especially when it comes to women. I also see myself as drizzle. The truth is though, if I really think about it, I have a lot to offer. Doesn't a hurricane start out as just a bit of drizzle. It takes time for it to build strength and reach its full potential. That's what this whole journey is about for me. I'm trying to build my self confidence. I'm trying to learn new skills that will help me deal with the road blocks and obstacles in my life. I'm trying to relate to the world around me in a new way. I am slowly becoming my own hurricane. Right now, I'm still pretty much a drizzle. I would be lying if I said that the Christmas holiday wasn't a bit of a set back. However even hurricanes can gain and lose strength. I will continue on this journey. I will be my own hurricane. I will become the strongest individual hurricane that I can.  Then, eventually, I will find another hurricane. When that happens, the world better watch out, because nothing is going to stop us. If it doesn't though, I'll still be a hell of a storm on my own. 

#23 - Christmas part 2

Today has been extremely hard. It's the first time in a long time that I just want to disappear and have the world forget about me. Sometimes I wonder if I should just leave everyone alone. I just feel like I should unburden everyone else from having to deal with me. I want to reach out and beg for help, but I can't. I can't drag other people down here with me. I can't drown them in this sea of emotion. It might wash me away, but at least I don't have to hurt anyone else in the process.  I just hide it. I keep it inside. I let it eat away at me. Eventually it will probably consume me and there will be none of the real me left, but there's nothing else I can do. This is my pain. I have to carry it. This pain is the punishment that I bear because of the hurt that I've made people feel. I feel broken and unlovable. I just hurt a lot. I just want someone to tell me that they care. Right now though my insides just feel empty. I just feel like the same of a person. I guess I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I don't want to be broken anymore.

#22 - Merry Christmas

So today is Christmas. I know that I'm supposed to be happy. I'm supposed to enjoy this day. It's supposed to be a happy day. A day for joyous times with family and friends. Then why do I feel like I do? I'm sad. So sad that it literally hurts me. My chest hurts. I just can't help but feel like the only people who love and care about me today are the people that have to: My mom, my son, my sister, my brother-in-law. I feel like nobody else even cares. I know I'm probably wrong, but today I really just want to disappear. I don't want to feel like this. I just want to know that someone loves me that doesn't have to.

So after all that depressing stuff, I do want to say that I hope everyone out there is having a wonderful and merry Christmas.

#21 - The one in which I seem materialistic

This year Christmas will be strange for me. The only present I will have to open will be from my son. That makes me kind of sad. It's not the presents themselves that bother me. It's the fact that right now I only have 4 people in my life who are close enough to me to even consider presents, my sister, brother-in-law, mom, and son. I'm not used to having so few close connections in my life. I've always bought presents for friends. Gift giving is one of my "love languages" (If you don't know what that is Google it. There's even a free test you can take.). I love giving people gifts. It is one of the way that I show how much I care about other people. This year the only gifts I'm giving are to Rory. I guess my life just feels a little empty right now. I have an amazing family, but that can only go so far. I know it's going to take time to meet people and build friendships, but it's just hard. I feel like Veruca Salt. "I want it now!"

#20 - Tis the Season

I know I'm going to sound like a Scrooge, but I really don't like Christmas, or my birthday for that matter, anymore. Christmas just reminds me of all the things I don't have. I know I should be thankful that I have my mom, sister, brother-in-law, and son. I am very thankful for them, but I want more. I just want someone to love me the way I love them. Maybe that's selfish. It's the truth though.

I don't mean to have a pity party. I'm just feeling a bit down. I have had some good things though. I've reconnected with some friends. I'm making some new ones. I'm learning to quiet my negative self talk. It's not easy but I'm working hard.

I listened to the latest episode of the podcast "Sex and Other Human Activities " and it really hit close to home. The we're talking about how we are our own worse enemies. We see every flaw and imperfection in ourselves, and we think that other people do too. The truth is, most people don't give a shit. You just go through life meeting person after person who literally could not care less. The reason is because they're wrapped up in themselves too. So maybe I just need to stop getting wrapped up in this little ball of self-loathing and start learning to get wrapped in a blanket of love. 

Also, I gained 1 pound in the past week. I didn't really exercise much so I can totally understand why. I need to make sure I keep up with it. This is a process and I know that. I just want to keep up the process. 

#19 - Questions in my head

I've been thinking a lot about what my therapist said about trying to be my "authentic self" more. I'm trying to be that here, as much as I can. The one thing that I've been thinking about is my writing style. So far I've been fairly serious in describing the things that have been going on. Anyone who knows me knows that serious is not a word that most people would use to describe me. I'm a lot more light and humorous most of the time. I think I'm going to try to inject that here. The only question is what do my readers (all 3 or 4 of you) think. Would you like things to be lighter, but still deal with the very real issues that I'm going through, or would you like me to stay with my serious style?

On another note, this is not something I thought I'd ever say, but I haven't exercised in almost a week because of various issues. I miss it a lot. I can't wait to get back to it tomorrow. I guess this whole change in attitude and change in behavior is starting to work :-)

#18 - A Strange Kind of Day

Today was an odd sort of day. I did not see it turning out the way it did, but I am happy that it did. First of all, my therapy appointment went really well. We talked a lot about my feelings about myself and where they might have come from. We also talked about my fear of abandonment. It is very hard for me to trust that the people I care about aren't going to disappear from my life. I try to hold on as right as I possibly can and that ends up pushing them away. So we're going to work on that.

The other thing that we talked about is the difference between our "public self" and our "authentic self". She asked me where I felt comfortable being my "authentic self". I realized that, right now, I have practically no place where I feel like I can actually be me "authentic self". I morph myself into whatever shape I think is going to be able to please other people the most. So we are going to work on helping me to let myself be more open with the true me. That scares the hell out of me. I don't feel like people will like the real me, but hopefully as I work on myself, that will not be the case in the future.

The main thing she wants me to do is to try to think about what my feelings remind me off. If I feel like I'm ugly, what situation or feeling in the past does that bring to mind. If I feel self hatred, what situation or feeling from the past does that bring to mind. I think she's hoping to not only deal with my current feelings but also try to dig down and see where they are coming from and if I can work through my unresolved issues from my past.

I am very much looking forward to seeing her again. I think I'm slowly but surely making my way down the path. As someone told me earlier today, "baby steps".

#17 - A Little Late

I know I didn't post yesterday, and I apologize. I didn't really do much yesterday except watch TV and try not to obsess over things outside my control. It was a tough weekend, but I made it through.

Today is my first counseling session. I'm both excited and nervous. I want to gain some more tools that will help me control my emotions better. However, I can't help but feel like she's going to judge me. I know it'll take time to build trust with this person. I just hope it comes fast.

I'm ready to get better. I just need some help on my journey. I need a guide. I'm hoping this therapist will be that person.

#16 - Do You Want to Build a Snowman?

I'm very envious of Elsa from Frozen. I know that it's just a cartoon, but she had the right idea. "Let it Go", that's what I need to know. I need to learn to let things go. I internalize a lot of things. I let them fester inside of me. Then they overwhelm me until they come spewing out all over the people closet to me. I hate that. I want to just go build an ice castle and get my happy ending. I'm not sure that's possible, but I want to try.

#15 - A Revision

Yesterday I said I don't like myself. After last night I think I need to revise that statement. I don't like myself most of the time. However, when I'm with Rory, when I'm being a dad, I love myself. I'm not sure what the difference is. I mean I love him unconditionally, and I try to show that to him everyday. I know he loves me back and wants to be near me. Maybe that's the difference? Maybe I'm secure in that relationship, so I'm not wracked with the insecurity and self-doubt. I wonder what I can do to bring that same attitude into all of my other relationships, friends, family, and otherwise?

The other thing that weighed on my mind last night is my inability to fix the friendships that I've broken. I'm very much someone who wants to do something in order to fix things, but right now there's nothing to do. I can't get in touch with those people. It's still too raw. So now I have to wait. I have to hope that someday the wound that I created heals to the point where a new friendship can begin to grow. I know that may never happen. The old me would've been depressed at that thought. To be honest the new me is too, but I'm choosing to focus on hope. Hope that things can heal, and hope that tomorrow will be better than today.

A friend of mine has been posting book quotes on Facebook. Yesterday she posted a quote from my favorite book.

"I feel sorry for anyone who is in a place where he feels strange and stupid."
-The Giver

Right now I feel very strange and very stupid. I'm hoping that I'm on the road to change that.

#14 - Another Day 1

Last night was really hard. I figured the first thing that I needed to do was some self reflection. I did not like what I saw.

One thing that I firmly believe is that you should try to be the kind of person that you would want to hang out with. As I thought about things last night I realized right now I would not want to hang out with me. I'm full of insecurities, I'm selfish, I procrastinate, At times I don't listen (especially if it's something that goes counter to what I want), and I've not really been taking care of myself either mentally or physically.

As I laid in bed thinking, I said out loud, "I get it". Why would anyone want to be in a relationship of any kind, friendly or romantic, with the person I just described. Why would someone want to be near a person that says they're there for you but always brings up his own stuff? Why be with a person that constantly puts things off? Why be near someone who is constantly afraid that you're going to leave? I sure as hell wouldn't want to be with that person in any capacity unless I had too.

If there is anyone out there that has been on the recieving end of the selfishness, insecurities, etc. I have to apologize. I won't be able to make it up to you, but maybe through this process of self discovery and growth I can become the kind of person that you can forgive.

Those are things that I really want to change about myself. The physical part I'm on my way with. I've started exercising everyday, and I've been trying to eat better. I have even managed to loose 7.5 lbs since I started that process. As far as my mental health, I've started that process too. As I said yesterday, I've already started the process of getting back into therapy. This blog is a form of that for me as well. Also, I've decided that I'm going to try to get out and socialize with more people. I'm going to try to be the kind of person those people would want in their lives. I've ordered some self improvement books that I plan to read and work on. I'm also going to start meditating to try to help with my anxiety and insecurities.

I know that nothing will happen over night, but hopefully six months to a year from now I can look back at this post and not recognize the person that I've described here. Today is Day 1.

#13 - A Change of Direction

When I started this blog 13 days ago my goal was to write something new everyday. So far it's been mostly poetry. Well, in those 13 days a lot has change, and so the direction this blog takes is going to follow.

The past week has been horrible. I've been in the hospital, I've been depressed, and to top it all off I drove someone that I really care about away. Yesterday one of the last things she said to me was that I don't listen. I thought about that statement all day, and she's right. I drove her away and lost her friendship because I was putting my needs before hers and I let my fear and anxiety control my actions.

I am broken. I am much more broken than I thought previously. I thought that the only way for me to become whole again was to find somebody to fix me. I thought I needed someone else to love me in order to start to rebuild. That is wrong. I can't depend on other people to control my happiness. I need to learn to do that on my own.

I don't like myself. I can't remember the last time I actually liked who I am. Don't get me wrong, I do like aspects of myself, but I don't like me. I thought that if someone else liked me that would be enough to help me like myself. I needed the approval of someone else to let me know that I'm ok. That isn't healthy, and I hope to change that.

Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to fix me. I'm not going to wait for others to do it. I'm going to do the work to change the way I think and feel. I made an appointment to get back into therapy, and I decided that I need to document my journey to becoming a better person. This is going to be that documentation. I may still write the occasional piece of poetry or something, but this will mostly be my way to help myself.

If you already know me, I want you to know that this blog will be pretty much uncensored. I need to be able to get things out. They may not always be pretty, but I will get better. If you don't know me, first welcome. Second I hope that this blog can help you in some way. Feel free to contact me if you'd like.

So I guess that's that. Time to make things better.

#12 - All for him

A whirlpool of emotions swirling around

pain
anger
regret
fear
sadness
shame
love
hope
stress
despair
confusion

All at once
overwhelming
drowning me

I can do this though
I can swim
I can make it through

I have to
I have to become a better person
I have to be the best I can

If not for me
Then for him
He deserves better, but I'm what he has
So I'll do whatever I can to be the man that he deserves

#11 - An Apology

How do I apologize for the pain that I caused?
How can I say that I'm sorry?
How can I use words to express how I feel?

I can't
I can never truly explain
Especially because you don't want to hear

I want to yell I'm sorry
I want to scream at the top of my lungs
I could do that until I lose my voice
It wouldn't matter

I am sorry
I want you to know how bad I feel
I want to ask for forgiveness

I hope that you see this
I hope that you know
I hope that you're happy

#10 - The Cycle

Round and round
Over and over
Life is nothing but a cycle

Make the same choice
Get the same result
Over and over

Feel the happiness
And the pain
Over and over

Keep going
Keep living
Never changing the cycle

I want to break out
I want to start something new
I want to be better.

#9 - Forgetting

How long will it take until I'm forgotten?
How long until I exist only in the reaches of your mind?
How long until you can't remember my face and voice?
Is that what you want?

When I fade from your mind
Do I fade in real life too
One day nobody will remember
Then I'll be gone forever

Maybe that's for the best
I have no legacy
No grand accomplishments
I'm just me

I don't want you to forget
I don't want to fade
I won't forget you
You will never fade.

#8 - The Last Words

"I appreciate that"
Those are the last words you said to me
What if
Those are the last words you will ever say to me?

How do I handle that loss
How do I process being tossed aside again
Can I?
Will it even be possible?

How can I express the pain in my chest?
How can I scream with rage?
How do I pick up the pieces
Of my new fractured reality

Do you understand the affect you've had on me?
Do you get how much I care?
Do you know how I wanted you to be proud of me?
I don't know how to move forward.

I want to reach out
I want to call or text
I don't though
I'm afraid that will push you farther away

I hope that isn't the end.
I hope to hear your voice again.
I hope you will return
But I doubt it

I've been thrown away before
More than once
I shouldn't be surprised
That I've been thrown away again

#7 - Untitled

My insides are full of shards of glass
Tiny little daggers
Constantly cutting and slashing
Everyday

Some days are worse than others
Some days I barely feel them
Most days that isn't the case
Constant pain

My body betrays me
But my disease is invisible
Though nobody sees it
It's always there

I long for the day that the pain will stop
I don't know if it ever will
Until then I carry on
Living with the pain

#6 - The Ledge

My fingers cling tightly to ledge
I have two choices
Climb back up or
Let go

If I climb what happens?
I'll be in the same world as I was before
The same thoughts
The same feelings

If I let go what happens?
I plunge into the darkness
I have no idea what awaits
It could be good or bad

I'm gripped with fear
I have no idea what to do
I wish I had a crystal ball
I wish I could see the future

I can't though
So here I am
Stuck
Not sure where to go

The pain courses through my body
The effort of hanging there is just too much
But I'm frozen
Fear won't let me make a decision

Soon I will have too
I'll tire
I won't be able to stay here
I long to be able to get off this ledge

#5 - Musings on Pain

Pain is a funny thing. Physical pain is easy. Touch a hot pan, you learn not to touch it again. Fall out of a tree and break your leg, you don't climb so high next time. We do all that we can to avoid physical pain. We wear protective clothes when we do dangerous things. We don't take unnecessary risks. We want to protect our bodies so that we can continue to carry on living day to day.

Emotional pain is different. It hurts just as much as physical pain. It can be just as debilitating. A broken heart hurts just as much, if not more than a broken bone. Emotional pain can actually cause physical pain. We don't treat it that way though.We can't wear protective clothing on our heart. No matter how many times we've been hurt we keep going out and trying. We keep meeting people. We keep making similar mistakes. We keep hurting over and over.

So why do we do it? Is it that we're all emotional masochists? No, we're all addicts. We are quite literally addicted to love. The feeling of being love by someone special is a feeling that you can't get from any drug. The thought that there is someone out there who is thinking about you and hoping you are ok is amazing. The thought of being the most important person in someone's world is intoxicating. So we keep chasing our high. No matter how much it hurts, we keep going. Sometimes it works. A lot of times it doesn't. You still keep going hoping that someday you'll find that fix that will last forever.

#4 - Holding On

The gun drops
I panic
And lunge to catch it

BANG, BANG, BANG
Three bullets embed themselves in my torso
Still it drops, I grope for it

BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG
Two bullets for my arms, two for my legs
Time slows as it continues to fall

BANG, BANG
One in the heart, one in the head
It still falls

Blood oozes from my body
I slide limp to the floor
I hit the ground just as the gun does

My desire to hold on
Killed me

#3 - The End

Can't catch breath
Heart beating fast
Chest hurts
This is it

Life flashes
All the one I've loved
Gone now
I'm alone

World starts to fade
Can't see
Start to slip away
Full of regrets

Wish I could apologize
Wish I could fix things
Wish I had someone
I'm alone

Last breath
Pulse slows to a stop
Blackness
The end

Alone

#2 - Restless Nights

Sleep eludes me now
Fear and anxiety creep in
Like rats looking for the last scrap of food

Am I raising him right?
Will he be a good person?
When will I push him away?

How does she really feel?
Am I too needy for her?
When will I push her away?

Is love real?
Have I missed my shot?
Did I push it away?

Am I good enough?
Can I be the person I need to be?
When will I push them all away?

Am I too old?
Will I make it to 40?
Can I push destiny away?

They're all irrational
I know that
That doesn't make them less real

I try to push the feelings down
I try to lock them away
Deep inside me

They always find a way
They break out and creep back in
It's a never ending battle

Some days I win
Some days they beat me
I will never stop fighting

I will be victorious

#1 - When I Look At You

A word snaps the trance that I'm in

"What?" you say

There's a smile on my face

You want to know what I'm thinking

I tell you part

But how could I ever explain it all?

How do I express what I see when I look at you?

You in a white dress

Me in a suit

Standing in front of the King

I don't think I'll ever be happier

You stop me at the door when I get home

You whisper in my ear

Our family grows

I don't think I'll ever be happier

You lay in bed

A grimace of pain on your face

the pain stops and a baby cries

I don't think I'll ever be happier

I memorize every detail

I don't ever want to forget

I need to be ready for the day you leave

I don't think I'll ever be sadder

Me alone

a broken man

nothing but memories to keep me company

I don't think I'll ever be sadder

I try to stay in the moment

but how can I?

My life stretches before me

both good and bad

That's what I see

when I look at you

It's a start

So, this is it. I'm taking the leap. It is my goal to write a new piece of content every day. Some days may be poetry, some fiction, some random musings, but the goal is for a thing-a-day. Everything that I post here will be rough drafts, so don't expect perfection. I do hope that you enjoy some of the content though. Sit back, relax, and enjoy reading :-)