Today was an odd sort of day. I did not see it turning out the way it did, but I am happy that it did. First of all, my therapy appointment went really well. We talked a lot about my feelings about myself and where they might have come from. We also talked about my fear of abandonment. It is very hard for me to trust that the people I care about aren't going to disappear from my life. I try to hold on as right as I possibly can and that ends up pushing them away. So we're going to work on that.
The other thing that we talked about is the difference between our "public self" and our "authentic self". She asked me where I felt comfortable being my "authentic self". I realized that, right now, I have practically no place where I feel like I can actually be me "authentic self". I morph myself into whatever shape I think is going to be able to please other people the most. So we are going to work on helping me to let myself be more open with the true me. That scares the hell out of me. I don't feel like people will like the real me, but hopefully as I work on myself, that will not be the case in the future.
The main thing she wants me to do is to try to think about what my feelings remind me off. If I feel like I'm ugly, what situation or feeling in the past does that bring to mind. If I feel self hatred, what situation or feeling from the past does that bring to mind. I think she's hoping to not only deal with my current feelings but also try to dig down and see where they are coming from and if I can work through my unresolved issues from my past.
I am very much looking forward to seeing her again. I think I'm slowly but surely making my way down the path. As someone told me earlier today, "baby steps".
No comments:
Post a Comment