Yesterday I said I don't like myself. After last night I think I need to revise that statement. I don't like myself most of the time. However, when I'm with Rory, when I'm being a dad, I love myself. I'm not sure what the difference is. I mean I love him unconditionally, and I try to show that to him everyday. I know he loves me back and wants to be near me. Maybe that's the difference? Maybe I'm secure in that relationship, so I'm not wracked with the insecurity and self-doubt. I wonder what I can do to bring that same attitude into all of my other relationships, friends, family, and otherwise?
The other thing that weighed on my mind last night is my inability to fix the friendships that I've broken. I'm very much someone who wants to do something in order to fix things, but right now there's nothing to do. I can't get in touch with those people. It's still too raw. So now I have to wait. I have to hope that someday the wound that I created heals to the point where a new friendship can begin to grow. I know that may never happen. The old me would've been depressed at that thought. To be honest the new me is too, but I'm choosing to focus on hope. Hope that things can heal, and hope that tomorrow will be better than today.
A friend of mine has been posting book quotes on Facebook. Yesterday she posted a quote from my favorite book.
"I feel sorry for anyone who is in a place where he feels strange and stupid."
-The Giver
Right now I feel very strange and very stupid. I'm hoping that I'm on the road to change that.
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