When I started this blog 13 days ago my goal was to write something new everyday. So far it's been mostly poetry. Well, in those 13 days a lot has change, and so the direction this blog takes is going to follow.
The past week has been horrible. I've been in the hospital, I've been depressed, and to top it all off I drove someone that I really care about away. Yesterday one of the last things she said to me was that I don't listen. I thought about that statement all day, and she's right. I drove her away and lost her friendship because I was putting my needs before hers and I let my fear and anxiety control my actions.
I am broken. I am much more broken than I thought previously. I thought that the only way for me to become whole again was to find somebody to fix me. I thought I needed someone else to love me in order to start to rebuild. That is wrong. I can't depend on other people to control my happiness. I need to learn to do that on my own.
I don't like myself. I can't remember the last time I actually liked who I am. Don't get me wrong, I do like aspects of myself, but I don't like me. I thought that if someone else liked me that would be enough to help me like myself. I needed the approval of someone else to let me know that I'm ok. That isn't healthy, and I hope to change that.
Yesterday I made a decision. I'm going to fix me. I'm not going to wait for others to do it. I'm going to do the work to change the way I think and feel. I made an appointment to get back into therapy, and I decided that I need to document my journey to becoming a better person. This is going to be that documentation. I may still write the occasional piece of poetry or something, but this will mostly be my way to help myself.
If you already know me, I want you to know that this blog will be pretty much uncensored. I need to be able to get things out. They may not always be pretty, but I will get better. If you don't know me, first welcome. Second I hope that this blog can help you in some way. Feel free to contact me if you'd like.
So I guess that's that. Time to make things better.
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