Last night was really hard. I figured the first thing that I needed to do was some self reflection. I did not like what I saw.
One thing that I firmly believe is that you should try to be the kind of person that you would want to hang out with. As I thought about things last night I realized right now I would not want to hang out with me. I'm full of insecurities, I'm selfish, I procrastinate, At times I don't listen (especially if it's something that goes counter to what I want), and I've not really been taking care of myself either mentally or physically.
As I laid in bed thinking, I said out loud, "I get it". Why would anyone want to be in a relationship of any kind, friendly or romantic, with the person I just described. Why would someone want to be near a person that says they're there for you but always brings up his own stuff? Why be with a person that constantly puts things off? Why be near someone who is constantly afraid that you're going to leave? I sure as hell wouldn't want to be with that person in any capacity unless I had too.
If there is anyone out there that has been on the recieving end of the selfishness, insecurities, etc. I have to apologize. I won't be able to make it up to you, but maybe through this process of self discovery and growth I can become the kind of person that you can forgive.
Those are things that I really want to change about myself. The physical part I'm on my way with. I've started exercising everyday, and I've been trying to eat better. I have even managed to loose 7.5 lbs since I started that process. As far as my mental health, I've started that process too. As I said yesterday, I've already started the process of getting back into therapy. This blog is a form of that for me as well. Also, I've decided that I'm going to try to get out and socialize with more people. I'm going to try to be the kind of person those people would want in their lives. I've ordered some self improvement books that I plan to read and work on. I'm also going to start meditating to try to help with my anxiety and insecurities.
I know that nothing will happen over night, but hopefully six months to a year from now I can look back at this post and not recognize the person that I've described here. Today is Day 1.
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